Joined: Nov '08
Location: Germany
Age: 47 (M)
Posts: 134
Untill just a few hours ago I was not planing anymore on having kids. I lost my last 2 girlfriends. 1 through cancer and the other through suicide. I´m 35 years old. I found my peace living alone ( not so easy starting something new), and am happy and not affraid to die. BUT this evening in the bar I told a friend of mine this and she started to speak about kids. Now I´m at a point where I´m thinking about having a kid before I´m 40 y old. BUT maybe it will be with someone like a good friend someone that I´m maybe not in love with but that will be a good mother , who I understand well. What do you people think about having a kid with ´`just a good friend``.... Ive only got like 5 years left...
Edited by initiator (21 December 2011 @ 03:52 GMT)
Joined: Aug '08
Location: Canada
Age: 43 (M)
Posts: 658
This is a tough one. You have experienced loss and seem to be depressed. Experiencing the type of loss you have is tremendously tough. Before anything id suggest perhaps finding someone you can really talk to about your feelings with both those losses. Im here if you cant afford counselling
now im gonna get down to it. While many types reproduce in the world today and most without any planning, myself included. I cannot stress how much love is the mortar that builds and holds the family. Love keeps me putting up with crazy s**t and never allows me to do super crazy s**t because of fear. Fear of loss.
So either learn to love or lie to yourself. At the end of the day though man chin up. 5 years plenty of time and what if in 6 years u meet someone who really is perfect for you and you her and you fall madly in love but now you got a kid with some chick who you dont even love but now she loves you and.. well i hope you see my point.
Plenty of time man. i also suggest googling "love" and reading up on it. It means many different things.People think its something that fairys sprinkle on pillows but it aint. its work, its sweat. its being tired and still reasonable. its having to go to dinners you never want to and always die of boredom at. Love is above all else putting family first and looking past mistakes or critical failures. love can be with a friend raising a child. but then your and her life is to love that child.
Im sorry if im blunt. im pretty opinionated and you asked.
seriously if you ever just want to talk about anything man. Never hesitate
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Edited by Administrator (22 December 2011 @ 13:06 GMT)
Joined: Nov '08
Location: Germany
Age: 47 (M)
Posts: 134
Thanx man. I get what you mean with the 6 years. And ofcourse the child will be in the centre of love. Thanx for your offer I´ll definatly get back to you sometime. Its already good to know that youre there. Have a merry xmas MICROMACHINA. Sometimes one can speak more openly with a stranger than a friend.
Joined: Nov '09
Location: Canada
Age: 55 (M)
Posts: 2387
It took me a while to find the right girl, so my son was born when I was 34 and my daughter when I was 36, and there was certainly a time when I thought it wouldn't happen. Personally as I get older I have less patience, so the window of opportunity for me had almost closed. I loved going through the early stages of my children's lives, but I can't imagine going back to diapers now.
Children are the ultimate test of a relationship, and some of the toughest moments my wife and I went through were in the first year after our son was born. It probably didn't help that her father passed away when the baby was only three month in the womb. One child would have made things a lot easier for us but our daughter is an absolute joy and I can't imagine life without her, she is definitely Daddy's little girl. A child does not ask to be born, and if you do have one you have to commit for life - no going back. Nothing can prepare you for parenthood and your life will change in many ways, but the pride I feel when I see my son on the basketball court OWNING it, and my daughter dancing at the annual dance school show is incomparable.
My former boss lost his wife to cancer a few years back, and then three months later one of his two sons died (34 years old) in an accident. Two years later he remarried and they are trying to have kids, he is 78 and she is 40!
Hi there, as you can see i m quite younger then you and less expecrienced than you but i like to share my opinion. From my own experience and experience of the people i know i m asured that any "love" is gonne after couple of months, or give it year, two then you just start caring about that person, you arent crazy in love etc... guess you know what i mean. Having said that i think you shouldnt have any doubts about hooking up with some friend you truly care and "love" in a way for quite a while now. The important thing about having a child, in my opinion is love and joy you share with it.
But i also dont believe in male - female friendships, i always want to bang my female colleagues and i dont "love" them so i guess it would work out no problem.
Just my 2 cents, cheers.
p.s. i also think you have time for whatever, you are a man not woman.
Joined: Feb '11
Location: Germany
Age: 31 (M)
Posts: 1859
Hey, why necessarily before you turn 40? The kid will love you as parent no matter if you are 20,40 or 55,so setting a goal like this isnt really good,just let it happen,it will come whenever the time is right.
Also,you mentioned "could be someone I'm not in love with" or something similar. Tbh the mother should definitely be someone you enjoy living with for a long time. Family is important,it should be a unity,2 parents who dont love each other but both love one child is pretty dumb. What if you or her find a "real love" with someone else afterwards? You really wouldnt want this for your child... So first find a new woman,someone you can share life with and plan on doing so for pretty much the rest of your life,then the next step is thinking about children,not the other way around
Joined: Mar '11
Location: Canada
Age: 44 (M)
Posts: 1490
Posted by BeMyATMplz: Also,you mentioned "could be someone I'm not in love with" or something similar. Tbh the mother should definitely be someone you enjoy living with for a long time. Family is important,it should be a unity,2 parents who dont love each other but both love one child is pretty dumb. What if you or her find a "real love" with someone else afterwards? You really wouldnt want this for your child...
Completely agree with this. That's the problem with todays society, people bringing children into loveless/single parent homes. I understand, if things don't work out in the relationship, but knowingly having a kid with someone you don't love, because you're in a hurry, is selfish.
I'm sorry, and I mean no offense, but really you have to think about how these things will affect the kids.
Joined: Aug '08
Location: Canada
Age: 43 (M)
Posts: 658
Posted by retribution:
Posted by BeMyATMplz: Also,you mentioned "could be someone I'm not in love with" or something similar. Tbh the mother should definitely be someone you enjoy living with for a long time. Family is important,it should be a unity,2 parents who dont love each other but both love one child is pretty dumb. What if you or her find a "real love" with someone else afterwards? You really wouldnt want this for your child...
Completely agree with this. That's the problem with todays society, people bringing children into loveless/single parent homes. I understand, if things don't work out in the relationship, but knowingly having a kid with someone you don't love, because you're in a hurry, is selfish.
I'm sorry, and I mean no offense, but really you have to think about how these things will affect the kids.
I am sure most single parents didnt choose to single parents. Heck most parents dont choose to be parents lol. By even thinking about it id say he is ahead of the game. Comparatively to others in society who just get drunk and lazy .
Joined: Nov '08
Location: Germany
Age: 47 (M)
Posts: 134
Thankyou all very much for your statements. They ALL helped alot. As I said this is something that I have just started thinking about. I guess I was a bit too emotional yesterday. I really think NOW that I do have enogh time to let it take its natural path. I think I should just be open for a new relationship again. Thats where my problem lies.... LIfe goes on just like Mahdrof Boss done it.
Joined: Jan '11
Location: United States
Age: 60 (M)
Posts: 3361
To be a parent to a child doesn't always mean the child has to be from your own genes, but yes that is very special. I have four children from two marriages and to be honest all of them were planned except my first whom is now 27.
I guess my point here is even when your fifty or sixty there's always a child out there that needs the love and affection from a caring individual so as for the 5 or 6 years, that may be true in your mind, but if it doesn't happen and you decide to be a parent 15 or 20 years down the road remember, you can.
The Mobsters who replied to this thread all made sense and are sincere! God bless you all and good luck in all you do!
Joined: Dec '10
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 43 (M)
Posts: 272
There is no rush to have children these days, medical advances mean you can have a child later in life without many problems, I am 30 and my partner is 38, we still plan to have a kid and are in no rush.
Its just my opinion, but I would not recommend having a child with a good friend. If you have a kid, it is your responsibility to give it the best chance of a healthy, happy life. I do believe that having a stable 2 parent home is very important, so I personally would wait until I find someone I want to share my life with, and only then think about having a child.
Joined: Nov '11
Location: Poland
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 1088
Posted by cjvfruity: Its just my opinion, but I would not recommend having a child with a good friend. If you have a kid, it is your responsibility to give it the best chance of a healthy, happy life. I do believe that having a stable 2 parent home is very important, so I personally would wait until I find someone I want to share my life with, and only then think about having a child.
Totally agree... I'm 26 and I have a cute daughter. There's nothing better in life than child. We live for it. Nature made us for having child and give theirs our DNA But like cjvfruity said - you should have child with person you LOVE. You must secure future life of your child. Choose wisely
