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  16-Oct-13, 03:14   #1
JOKES Thread 0 
mascona 

Joined: Jun '08
Location: Poland
Age: 76 (M)
Posts: 543
I'm officialy opening this special JOKES Thread since some of BRM members decided to public jokes in every second poker Thread.
Lets put them here / but please, only the good ones /.

1).
As an answer to the Euro, the USA, GB and Russia decided to synchronize their currency:
One pound of ruble is one dollar since today.

Edited by mascona (Wednesday, October 16, 2013 @ 03:54 GMT)


     
  16-Oct-13, 05:14   #2
  0 
demodawggy 

Joined: Feb '12
Location: Canada
Age: 56 (M)
Posts: 5684
Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime. She was afraid that there might be something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist, so she did.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not
haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what
is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

Big Smile< heheeeeeeeeeeee....

     
  16-Oct-13, 17:43   #3
  +2 
Peter7878 

Joined: Dec '12
Location: Bulgaria
Age: 40 (M)
Posts: 1022
One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”
Big Smile Big Smile Big Smile

     
  16-Oct-13, 18:25   #4
  0 
Mober 
Joined: Mar '09
Location: Greece
Age: 39 (F)
Posts: 10045
Nice one peter Smile

     
  16-Oct-13, 22:59   #5
  +1 
mascona 

Joined: Jun '08
Location: Poland
Age: 76 (M)
Posts: 543
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

     
  18-Oct-13, 21:45   #6
  +1 
Peter7878 

Joined: Dec '12
Location: Bulgaria
Age: 40 (M)
Posts: 1022
Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. I come. Dennis come and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''


Big Smile Big Smile Big Smile

     
  19-Oct-13, 05:19   #7
  +2 
mascona 

Joined: Jun '08
Location: Poland
Age: 76 (M)
Posts: 543
There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."
He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." Again, he ignores the voice.
Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas.
As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, "Go to the Horseshoe." He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, "Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."
He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt AsAd. The voice says, "Go all in."
He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.
The dealer lays down the flop which is Jh10h9h. The voice says, "S**t."

     
  20-Oct-13, 08:39   #8
  -1 
daninleeds 
Joined: May '11
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 36 (M)
Posts: 66
Paddy is doing really well on Who Want's to be a Millionaire.He's got £125,000 with three lifelines left.

Chris says,"Ok Paddy,for £250,000 which one of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers? Was it A) Ronnie Biggs B) Ronnie O'Sullivan C) Ronnie Corbett D) Ronnie Wood. Take your time."

Paddy says,"I'll take the money Chris."

Chris replies,"Are you sure Paddy,you've still got three lifelines left?"

Paddy says,"I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money."

Chris replies,"Ok audience,give Paddy a big round of applause,but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer?"

Paddy says,"I already know the answer Chris."

Chris replies,"You know the answer? You just turned down a quarter of a Million quid,are you mad,are you mental?"

Paddy says,"I may be fucking Mental Chris,but I'm no fucking grass!"

     
  20-Oct-13, 13:49   #9
  0 
mascona 

Joined: Jun '08
Location: Poland
Age: 76 (M)
Posts: 543
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags.
"Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 for a blowjob and I do it for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags.
"What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"


     
  22-Oct-13, 03:39   #10
  0 
victoryv111 

Joined: Feb '12
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 55 (M)
Posts: 169
Q; What poker hand - best tip/advice, did the Poker Coach give to his 3 Gay poker students on thier grauduation day from Poker School?

A; He told'em 'guys always remeber...A straight, beats 3 Queens everytime, gl'uck'!!!

(No offence to the gay community) Heart Smile

     
  22-Oct-13, 21:55   #11
  0 
mascona 

Joined: Jun '08
Location: Poland
Age: 76 (M)
Posts: 543
A boss said to his secretary: I want to have SEX with you, but I will make it very fast.
I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her: Do it, but ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself.
So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened ?
She responds: That Bastard used coins, I'm still picking and he is still f...ing !

     
  8-Nov-13, 09:09   #12
  0 
K0_ot 

Joined: Nov '10
Location: Belarus
Age: 29 (M)
Posts: 32
Newly wed wife to her husband:
"That is why I can't stand you - you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don't like potatoes."

     
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