English flag   Dansk (danish) flag     (20:43 GMT)
 
Username   Password  

BankrollMob Christmas logo  
Free no deposit poker bonuses Reviews Bankrolls - Free No Deposit Offers Poker Forum News: Poker, Casino, Betting & Bingo Sport Bets Poker Freerolls & Tournaments Leaderboards Support & FAQ
transparent separator

BankrollMob Forum

BankrollMob Forum » Off-Topic » dlki'v Christmas funnies

New Thread Forums Search Subscriptions Bookmarks

  27-Nov-13, 15:46   #1
dlki'v Christmas funnies 0 
dlkiv 

Joined: Aug '08
Location: Canada
Age: 51 (F)
Posts: 2558
Teacher & Pupil

Teacher: If I have 20 cents and ask Ebenezer Scrooge for another 30 cents, how much will I have?
Pupil: 20 cents, teacher!
Teacher: You don’t know your arithmetic.
Pupil: Please, miss, you don’t know Scrooge!


Three Wise Men

Q: Why weren’t there any nativity scenes in Washington D.C.?
A: They couldn’t find three wise men.


Christmas in the Courtroom

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, “What are you charged with?”
“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.
“That’s no offense,” said the judge. “How early were you doing this shopping?”
“Before the store opened,” countered the prisoner.

Office Holiday Memo

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”
Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.
All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.



Twas the Night After Christmas

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy.


The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried.

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus."

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like."

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri."

"It's no time for jokes Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen."

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again."

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbour Red.

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run.

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care.

So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court."


Ya I know its early but I am busy with life so Merry EARLY Christmas all Smile

     
  27-Nov-13, 16:14   #2
  0 
RoninHarper 

Joined: Nov '12
Location: Canada
Age: 48 (M)
Posts: 4440
G'day darlin

That's right magatt my friend I called her darlin.
Yep I am moving in on your girl Big Smile

dlkiv thank you for the jokes they made me smile.

Loved the redneck shotting at that thief dressed like Santa Claus.
What a scum bag robbin people at Xmas Smile

Best wishes to all the mobsters
be cool

Ronin Cool

     
  27-Nov-13, 16:46   #3
  0 
magatt966 

Joined: Jan '09
Location: Italy
Age: 46 (M)
Posts: 3713
Posted by RoninHarper:
G'day darlin

That's right magatt my friend I called her darlin.




because of you I have to go to pull the steam off .....
I will join Jess to our Pilates lessons Evil Evil Evil

     
  27-Nov-13, 20:34   #4
  0 
dlkiv 

Joined: Aug '08
Location: Canada
Age: 51 (F)
Posts: 2558
lol RoninHarper Big Smile thanks for the darlin

BUT

magatt will always be my #1 BRM man Blink

I will keep you RH as my second Tongue

     
  28-Nov-13, 15:40   #5
  0 
magatt966 

Joined: Jan '09
Location: Italy
Age: 46 (M)
Posts: 3713
Posted by dlkiv:
lol RoninHarper Big Smile thanks for the darlin

BUT

magatt will always be my #1 BRM man Blink

I will keep you RH as my second Tongue



     
  28-Nov-13, 15:55   #6
  0 
RoninHarper 

Joined: Nov '12
Location: Canada
Age: 48 (M)
Posts: 4440
G'day mates

Dude you Rock!
I LOVE the above Roger Rabbit picture.
Be cool

Ronin Cool

     
  28-Nov-13, 22:55   #7
  0 
HenryMinute 

Joined: Apr '12
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 67 (M)
Posts: 207
Posted by dlkiv:
Three Wise Men

Q: Why weren�t there any nativity scenes in Washington D.C.?
A: They couldn�t find three wise men.

Variation to the above that I heard a long time ago:
Q: Why weren't there any nativity scenes in Washington D.C.?
A: They couldn't find three wise men, or a virgin.

     
  29-Nov-13, 10:23   #8
  0 
dlkiv 

Joined: Aug '08
Location: Canada
Age: 51 (F)
Posts: 2558
Posted by magatt966:
Posted by dlkiv:
lol RoninHarper Big Smile thanks for the darlin

BUT

magatt will always be my #1 BRM man Blink

I will keep you RH as my second Tongue





magatt you kept our picture Heart Heart Heart Heart

     
BankrollMob Forum » Off-Topic » dlki'v Christmas funnies

 
Forum Rules | Support & FAQ

© 2016 BankrollMob.com - All Rights Reserved CONTACT | ABOUT | PRIVACY POLICY | TERMS & CONDITIONS | NEWSLETTERS | AFFILIATES | REPORT SPAM | ADVERTISING
  Bookmark and Share