Welcome mobsters, if you are reading this blog for the very first time, I thank you for your initial interest. I think that if you give it a little time, you will find something that will peak your interest.
I am a semi-pro poker player and an author. I am currently working on several projects for publication, and will be discussing them on occasion in this blog. If you are a fan then I warn you, from time to time there will be spoiler book ideas discussed.
Learn to be honest with yourself. Too often we are forced to put forth an image of ourselves which others will find to be acceptable. We hide our true feelings and desires behind false masks in order to fit into the world around us. There are times when we even forget the truth ourselves. We get so used to projecting the false mask which people around us want and expect to see, that we also fool ourselves into believing it too.
I sometimes wish I could just lose myself and go somewhere far away, someplace where no one knows me and just try and hide from myself. I have been doing that lately I think.
I have been hiding from myself and trying not to think about all the things which I have lost. I have been hiding from the fear and the deep pain I feel inside. I was supposed to start a new bankroll challenge today, but instead I sat down at a table with my entire bankroll and then proceeded to just donk my entire deposit away. I had very little fun doing it, I know I was being stupid and yet something in me did not care.
I must admit that, I wanted to lose today.
Think about that my friends. Have you ever played poker and actually wanted to lose? I have been thinking about this for two hours and trying to analyze and understand why I truly played the way I did today. I have come up with the following personal insight.
I think that, I purposely set out to fail because, inside on some level was afraid to succeed.
I ask you, have you ever sabotaged yourself because you too were afraid to succeed?
It is a very strange thing to realize about myself.
What is it about succeeding that frightens me?
Perhaps the real truth is that I am really trying to hide from myself and sabotaging my efforts because of the questions.
What if I truly try and still fail?
What if I finally finish my book and it does not sell?
What excuse will I have if I truly try my best and fail? Really what will I have I lost?
I am not happy about my life. The truth is I actually hate myself and I am deeply unhappy. I do not feel like I deserve to be successful or happy at all. I am disabled and morbidly obese. In October I was weighed at 626.7 lbs. I started a new exercise routine and changed the way I approached food in general. I wanted to lose some weight and get healthier. On February 5th, 2015 I was weight by my OT and Dietitian, they had to get me weighed in order for the funding for my new motorized wheelchair to get approved. The chair is only rated for a maximum weight of 600 lbs.
On the 5th I weighed in at the incredible weight of 572.2 lbs.
It was literally a 55.5 lbs weight loss. I was shocked and still find it hard to believe. I qualified for the wheelchair funding and it is supposed to be delivered to me on Wednesday march 04, 2015.
I am also waiting on a new hospital style bed which will also be rated for 600 lbs.
I mention these two facts because I realized to that over the last week I have been sabotaging my health and weight loss efforts. I seem to be afraid of succeeding because then people will expect things from me and I am not sure I want that, I might fail once again and then what excuse will I have?
Until next time
Section 2: "Ronin's Bankroll Management Challenge"
The next 60 day bankroll challenge will begin March 1st, 2015.
I have lost my entire bankroll already today if you read section one then you understand why.
I must now decide if I am going to make one last deposit and start over again.