Joined: Feb '08
Location: Australia
Age: 39 (M)
Posts: 312
LMAO yeah i love it..heres another
Traveling on the train There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it." The Irishman was thinking: "This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again."
Joined: Feb '08
Location: Australia
Age: 39 (M)
Posts: 312
heres another
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
Joined: Feb '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 44 (M)
Posts: 1170
a man goes into a hardware store and asks for 10,000 bricks the shop asistant asks him you got a big job then i take it the man replys no im building a bbq for the mrs shop assistant says you dont need 10;000 bricks to build a bbq the man says you do if you live on the 12th floor mate
Joined: Feb '08
Location: Bulgaria
Age: 49 (M)
Posts: 21
sweet ) another one (no offence!) Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation? A: A new bar....
------------ and for the engaged ones 1. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 2.I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her. 3.Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. 4.Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.... ROFL
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust".
Joined: Feb '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 44 (M)
Posts: 1170
a teacher asks her class of infants if they could be made of anything in the world what would it be? a litle girl shouts out gold miss then i could melt bits off and buy myself a pink cadalac teacher says well done then a litle boy shouts out platnum miss so i could do the same and buy a red ferari teacher says well done then another litle boy says hair miss teacher asks him why he says well my older sister only has alitle triangle of it and you wanna see the cars outside my house
Joined: Feb '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 44 (M)
Posts: 1170
lol i like that one well good mate id remember that heres one alan shearer takes over as newcastle united manager and goes into the changinrooms and say to team ive got some old faces her for the team but also intend to bring in some new faces too so peter beardsley wicked can i have one of those
Joined: Jan '08
Location: Denmark
Age: 46 (M)
Posts: 69
Some really nice jokes , loved ém - atleast it could make me laugh a bit, after the last coupple of days suck-outs, I really needed something to laugh about
Joined: Feb '08
Location: Bulgaria
Age: 49 (M)
Posts: 21
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Joined: Feb '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 44 (M)
Posts: 1170
what do womon and hurricaines have in common? they both start off with a litle blowjob and both end up taking your house sorry ladies its only a joke i hope i havnt offended
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