Joined: Oct '08
Location: Netherlands
Age: 64 (M)
Posts: 2193
I will try and update a joke of the day .... some may not lick them but som will cum and read more
First One:
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it."
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
Joined: Apr '08
Location: Finland
Age: 35 (M)
Posts: 1613
A man comes out of the casino without any clothes on ... another man asks the naked man "Are you a poker player?" The naked man then answers : "No, but i was playing against five other persons who were ... "
Joined: Oct '08
Location: Netherlands
Age: 64 (M)
Posts: 2193
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.'
------------ Four nuns are standing in line to get into heaven. St. Paul says to the the first one, "Have you ever touched a penis before." The nun says "Yeah, with my finger." St. Paul says, "Dip your finger in the holy water efore you enter." The second one says, "With my hand." And she has to dip her whole hand in. The third one's about to answer, but the fourth one pushes her out of the way and shouts, "IF YOU THINK IM GOING TO GARGLE THAT WATER AFTER SHE'S STUCK HER ASS IN IT, YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"
Joined: Apr '09
Location: Portugal
Age: 44 (M)
Posts: 4827
You really know how to tell a joke dunotra. Didnt knew this ones. Perhaps ine day i will right some popular portuguese jokes here, it can be an interesting way of cultural exchange!
Joined: Oct '08
Location: Netherlands
Age: 64 (M)
Posts: 2193
A very tired nurse, walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check,
She pulls a Rectal Thermometer Out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just great...
Some a*****e's got my pen!'
------------ This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal on the wall with antlers, so he says to the barman, "what the f**k is that?" The barman says, "it's a moose." The Scottish chap says, "f**k me! How big are the cats?"
Joined: Oct '08
Location: Netherlands
Age: 64 (M)
Posts: 2193
A guy from the Netherlands is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Dutch man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Dutch man smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"
Joined: Oct '08
Location: Netherlands
Age: 64 (M)
Posts: 2193
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially, so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried: "That's too much!" He then asked: "How much for a hand job?"
She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said: "Ask for $40."
The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing, the woman noticed that the man was well hung.
She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked: "Now what?"
The wife replied: "Can I borrow $60?"
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Frank and his wife Esther went to the fair every year, and every year Frank would say: "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied: "I know Frank, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year, Esther and Frank went to the fair, and Frank said: "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Esther replied: "Frank, that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot overheard the couple and said: "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Frank and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Frank and said: "My god, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Frank replied: "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
Joined: Feb '09
Location: Portugal
Age: 36 (M)
Posts: 703
Posted by Davoodoo: A man comes out of the casino without any clothes on ... another man asks the naked man "Are you a poker player?" The naked man then answers : "No, but i was playing against five other persons who were ... "
Joined: Oct '08
Location: Netherlands
Age: 64 (M)
Posts: 2193
Old Joe
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly! As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see.. size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha!! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
That looks crapp and I've got all the formating wrong
------------ "That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
------------ ----------------------------------
Two couples were playing poker one evening.John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up he noticed bills wife sue wasnt't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this Johon upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red faced.
Later John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked. Did you see anything that you liked under there?
Surprised by the boldness John courageously admitted that well indeed he did.
She said.... Well you can have it but it will cost you $500 .
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral cost of the offer, john confirms that he is interested..
She tells him that since her husband bill works friday afternoons and John doesnt John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around John showed up at bills house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
John quickly dressed and left.
As usual Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house ,asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?
with a lump in her thoat she answered,"Why yes he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon".
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband couriously asked "and did he give you $500 ?
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well yes in fact he did give me $500
Bill with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying Good. I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he would stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.
