Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 6669
This is the best lawyer joke i heard so far and i thought to share it with my fellow mobsters, not sure it will be as much fun if you just read it since it has two funny moments at the end but i;m sure all your friends will enjoy it(of course they don't must be lawyers). i have nothing to do or against lawyers but i think this is a really funny joke Enjoy! "One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!" Feel free to post your other jokes too, i always love to hear a good joke and share it with my friends
Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 6669
Sorry again in case any of you are lawyers, as i said in the original post i have nothing personal with lawyers(at least so far LOL) but i got this joke on my facebook page from a friend on my wall, i really liked it and thought to share it here too. I actually did a google search and i actually found a hole website full of all kind of jokes and it also had this one, there are other funny jokes there too but i'm not sure if i'm allowed to post external links here on the bankrollmob forum, i guess i nedd to ask a bankrollmob admin/manager first. @Davoodoo, thats also a nice lawyer joke but it's really, really old, i know i first heard it in school, highschool to be more precise and that was around seven years ago. Thansk for posting and refresh my memory though Have fun guys!
Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 6669
btw, here is another heaven/hell joke i found, but it's a bit longer: An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, "So how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there's no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Joined: Oct '10
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 65 (M)
Posts: 442
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 6669
Nice, i think it's one of the most complicated jokes i heard so far but i really like how it ends. Anyway i thought to continue to post some jokes over here, it's always best to hear a joke once in a while. The one that i will post today it's a classic but maybe people that don't have the first language english can't realize whats the joke about, but here it goes:
A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.
Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
Joined: Feb '08
Location: Netherlands
Age: 54 (M)
Posts: 818
[QUOTE]Posted by jbrooksie: HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
That's a very good one and a well deserved A+, but diden't you allready posted this one Jbrooksie? I thought i allready read this one in this forum, a couple of month's ago.
Joined: Oct '10
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 65 (M)
Posts: 442
Posted by JazzyJeff: [QUOTE]Posted by jbrooksie: HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound', that the professor shared it with his colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
That's a very good one and a well deserved A+, but diden't you allready posted this one Jbrooksie? I thought i allready read this one in this forum, a couple of month's ago.
Also nice last one Macubaas
Not posted by me, dug it out of my email from about a year ago.
Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 6669
Thanks JazzyJeff for your appreciation! I really like to see people are enjoying good jokes. As i said in the first post feel free to add other good jokes you know, it's always fun to learn new jokes and share with your friends. Here is another one it was sent on my email by a friend from Chicago about two months ago, hope you guys will enjoy it too :
"A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 6669
Okay, time for another lawyer joke, this one was forwarded by a joke site on which i'm subscribed at, it's pretty goo but also classic in the same time, i mean i also heard various varioations of this one on other types of jokes(doctors especially). Here we go:
A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week." The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer." Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer." "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?" The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"
Joined: Mar '09
Location: Canada
Age: 38 (M)
Posts: 3211
heres a couple i found kinda ammusing...
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F**k him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
this one is a bit tasteless but can be laughed at A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?" Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning." So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed. The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again." So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see." To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
------------ just one more funny one! atleast i enjoyed it
A man had just moved from his big apartment in NYC, to a big farm way out in the country side. Just days after he moved, he realized he was out of chicken feed, so he went down to the nearest store (a good 2-hour drive away). "Can you get me some chicken feed?" the man asked. "Yup, but ya can't have none unless you can prove to me you actually gots chickens. Don't want no one eatin' it or nothin' an' gettin' sick." the clerk responded. He argued with her a bit, but finally gave in and took a two hour drive back and forth once again, this time with the chicken. "Here's my chicken. Now get me the chicken feed." He got his feed and drove home. The next day he ran out of dog food. Once again, he drove down to the store, foolishly not thinking about bringing his dog. It was the same case. He had to present his dog to the stubborn clerk. He went back home and retrieved his dog, and got his dog food. The next day, he went down to the store again, this time with a shoe box with a lid on it that had a hole in the top. He walked into the store and said to the clerk "Put your finger in this, take it out, and smell it." "That smells like... crap!" she said with a look of surprise on her face. "Yup. Can you get me some toilet paper."
Enjoy!
P
