Joined: Aug '08
Location: Canada
Age: 60 (F)
Posts: 2558
#1
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
#2
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
#3
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Joined: Jun '11
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 54 (M)
Posts: 1343
nice 1... ,#4 i walked into the kitchen this morning and the wife was stabbing cornflakes in a bowl with a steak knife,i thought to myself"s**t ive married a cereal killer"
Joined: Mar '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 46 (M)
Posts: 6714
Posted by dlkiv: Real thanks to all who gave me l
Sorry I am not as active as I have been in the past
Lately I really feel not welcome here .
I really like reading the newb's posts and all the reg;s as well . I use to anyways.
Anyway no more posting jokes from me.
Best to all.
Dlkiv over and out Bye all.
OI!!!! Dont let the bastards grind you down!! Your at +1 now so POST MORE JOKES, and of cause you are always welcome here...Just to cheer you up..I was going to post boobs
Joined: May '09
Location: India
Age: 39 (M)
Posts: 4873
Posted by dlkiv: Real thanks to all who gave me l
Sorry I am not as active as I have been in the past
Lately I really feel not welcome here .
I really like reading the newb's posts and all the reg;s as well . I use to anyways.
Anyway no more posting jokes from me.
Best to all.
Dlkiv over and out Bye all.
really stupid of you to think you not welcome here theres always 2-3 trolls here giving to whichever post they can click but dont let that make u feel bad. just hope that this post was the result of a bad mood and u'll be back soon with new jokes.
