Joined: Aug '08
Location: Canada
Age: 60 (F)
Posts: 2558
#1- Driver's License
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'
------------ #2- A good story for hunting season...
Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, the foolish dog knocks the gun over, it goes off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he comes to.... and there is his doctor, Sven
"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in the Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers, so you don't piss in your eye."
I was driving down the road the other day and my phone rang so being stupid I answered it, taking my eye off the road for a split second. Unfortunately the car in front had stopped and in that split second of not paying attention I ploughed straight up its arse end.
I got out the car and couldnt believe my eyes when a dwarf got out the car in front looking very very angry.
I couldn't help it, I started to laugh.. It was so funny.
The dwarf approached me with hate filled eyes and said "What the fvck are you laughing about.. I AM NOT HAPPY"
"really" I replied... "well lets go for Dopey then"
He didnt see the funny side...
------------ My wife and I were in the bedroom getting ready for bed. I took off my trousers and threw them at her.. "you better put these on" I told her.
"why would I want to put on your trousers" she asked in all innocence.
"well" I replied "its the one and only time you'll ever get to wear the trousers in this house"
She sat there with tears in her eyes, then slowly took off her knickers. Throwing them at me she said "and I suppose you better put these on"
"Go on then" I enquired "why would I want to wear your knickers"
"well" she said "ever talk to me like that again and its the one and only time you'll ever get into them"
Joined: Aug '08
Location: Canada
Age: 60 (F)
Posts: 2558
Posted by fcumred: I was driving down the road the other day and my phone rang so being stupid I answered it, taking my eye off the road for a split second. Unfortunately the car in front had stopped and in that split second of not paying attention I ploughed straight up its arse end.
I got out the car and couldnt believe my eyes when a dwarf got out the car in front looking very very angry.
I couldn't help it, I started to laugh.. It was so funny.
The dwarf approached me with hate filled eyes and said "What the fvck are you laughing about.. I AM NOT HAPPY"
"really" I replied... "well lets go for Dopey then"
He didnt see the funny side...
------------ My wife and I were in the bedroom getting ready for bed. I took off my trousers and threw them at her.. "you better put these on" I told her.
"why would I want to put on your trousers" she asked in all innocence.
"well" I replied "its the one and only time you'll ever get to wear the trousers in this house"
She sat there with tears in her eyes, then slowly took off her knickers. Throwing them at me she said "and I suppose you better put these on"
"Go on then" I enquired "why would I want to wear your knickers"
"well" she said "ever talk to me like that again and its the one and only time you'll ever get into them"
I was with the wife at her school reunion night, and as we mingled we came across a drunken bloke who was dressed in scruffy clothes and looking really worse for wear.
"thats Bobby McDonald" she told me "I was his first love, and ever since I dumped him he's been drinking heavily"
"fvck me" I replied "forty years of drinking like that.. thats one hell of a celebration"
Joined: Mar '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 46 (M)
Posts: 6714
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"
She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"
