Joined: Jan '11
Location: Romania
Age: 32 (M)
Posts: 167
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.
------------ A: I'm in a big trouble! B: Why is that? A: I saw a mouse in my house! B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap. A: I don't have one. B: Well then, buy one. A: Can't afford one. B: I can give you mine if you want. A: That sounds good. B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap. A: I don't have any cheese. B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap. A: I don't have oil. B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread. A: I don't have bread. B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Joined: Nov '09
Location: Canada
Age: 55 (M)
Posts: 2387
DUI One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 35 (M)
Posts: 6669
Did anyone missed lawyer jokes? - A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Joined: Jan '11
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 33 (M)
Posts: 704
boy and dad in a car dad notices police put the lights on and signal him to pull over dad says ohhh wanker. boy says what does that mean daddy? dad replies just another name for policeman..
They get home and dad drops his keys on the way in an says ohhh s**t! again boy says what does that mean daddy. dad replies just another name for door mat.
Boy goes in the kitchen to see his mum whos plucking a chicken. she cuts herself an shouts ohhh fanny. boys asks what does that mean mummy? she replies just another name for plucking a chicken
Boy goes upstairs where his dads shaving he cuts himself an shouts owww bollocks. an again the boy asks what does that mean daddy just another name for shaving.
theres a knock at the door boy goes and answers its the policeman from before
Boys says Hi wanker wipe your feet on the s**t my mums in the kitchen plucking her fanny and my dads upstairs shaving his bollocks
Joined: Oct '09
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 57 (M)
Posts: 667
Really good joke Pocket. I have a few and will post them tomorrow. Need to write them down first. Told my missus your joke only took three attempts for her to understand..........dosy mare.
Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 35 (M)
Posts: 6669
Keep them coming guys, i love all type of jokes. Marc, really looking forward to your jokes you'll post here Here is a short blonde joke for today, i hope you'll enjoy it: "There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
Joined: May '08
Location: Sweden
Age: 55 (M)
Posts: 1362
Posted by Macubaas: Keep them coming guys, i love all type of jokes. Marc, really looking forward to your jokes you'll post here Here is a short blonde joke for today, i hope you'll enjoy it: "There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
Joined: Jan '11
Location: Romania
Age: 32 (M)
Posts: 167
Dear God: My prayer for 2011 is for a fat bank account & a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year. Thank you so much! AMEN!!!
------------ An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret looked him over.. "Nope." Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!" Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."
Joined: Apr '11
Location: Romania
Age: 35 (M)
Posts: 6669
Time for a political joke, sort of:
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”
Joined: Oct '09
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 57 (M)
Posts: 667
Hi all - well here is my oldest joke I can remember.
Three werewolfs meet one day and decide to meet that evening for a drink. One of the werewolfs suggests and old back street pub as they don't want to draw attention to themselves and he has heard that they serve anyone in the particular bar...........being short of customers.
That evening the first werewolf arrives at the pub and sees that the bar is totally empty. He goes to the bar and the landlord asks "How can I help you sir?" The werewolf replies "Do you sell blood?" The landlord replies "Take a seat and I'll see what I can do". With this the werewolf sits down and the landlord goes to the kitchen, when there he find all the raw meat he has and proceed to mangle and mash it up until he manages to get a pint of blood. He returns to the bar and is greeted by the werewolf who asks "How much do I owe you?" The landlord replies "This is the most expensive drink I have ever poured, I'm sorry sir but this is $250.00" The werwolf manages to get together the cash and pays for his drink, thinking to himself this is the last drink i'll have tonite.
At this point the 2nd werewolf arrives at the pub and seeing his friend says "That looks good", his friend replies "Yes but expensive". The 2nd werewolf goes to the bar. The landlord looks at the werewolf knowingly "How can I help you?" "Could I have a pint of blood please?" replies the werewolf. At this point the landlord suggests the werewolf takes a seat and says he will bring it over. Off to th kitchen he goes again.
After about a hour the landlord returns and says all he could manage was 3/4 of a pint and that included killing his cat. The werewolf is not put off by this and asks how much does he owe. The landlord replies "I am ever so sorry bu I will have to tell my daughter about the cat and I now don't have any meat left. It will cost you $500.00" "No problem" is the reply from the werewolf thinking to himself - That's the end of tonite's drinks.
Finally the 3rd werewolf arrives in the pub. He hears the story from his friends about the effort the landlord has gone through and the cost of the drinks. He then approaches the bar. The landlord takes one look at him and says "I'm sorry sir but I don't think I can help you" The werewolf replies "Don't worry I'll have a pint of water please". Amazed the landlord gives him the water and the werewolf returns to his friends.
He sits down and his friends ask "what is that?" - "Where's your blood?" They then watch s the 3rd werewolf produces a tampon from his pocket and says "Haven't you heard of tea bags?"
Anyway thats the end of that joke and I apologise if it was a bit long..........
Posted by mahdrof: DUI One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Joined: Jan '11
Location: Romania
Age: 32 (M)
Posts: 167
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'
