Joined: Dec '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 41 (M)
Posts: 256
OK, i need to seek advice and also have a mini rant as you all (no offence) are total strangers i trust you will have a diffrent look in this than i do or my close friends do so here go's
I have been going out with our lass for just over 5 years, during this time we both have had ups and downs like any couple's do. BUT the past 3 months have been an absaloute nightmare, when i say that its not an exagiration (sorry bout my spelling) We have two children one aged 2 and the other aged 3, i work 12 hour shifts so dont spend a great deal of time at home when i do its surrounded by bitterness and arguements, for the past two weeks i have been on holiday the arguements got so bad that we have split up, 1st this has nothing to do with poker, this runs deep both of us had crap upbringings in and out of care our lass was abused as a child by family members i was in the childrens homes as my parents where locked up and didnt want me.
my problem is the kids i dont want them to have a bad childhood and i know they wont i feel by our split it is best that we go our seperate ways and focus on the kids rather than keeping at each others throats in a endless tic for tac battle we seem to have been on for a long time now.
we argue about the dumbest things but then there is some seriuos stuff like our lass had a misscarriage and we both took it bad about a year back this affected our relationship as it was a highly distressing time for us as a family as some of u can imagine.
have i made the right move tho how bad will it affect our children thats my biggest concern dont get me wrong the kids will NEVER go without anything i just feel that perhaps we are damaging them by splitting but by staying together would this not cause more damage?
im at a loss between us our love has died and gone, we cant look at each other and know why we are together with the exception of the kids.
anyway im done, as i say becuase your strangers (again no offence) I trust your advice may well be usefull, many thanks for listening
Joined: Mar '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 44 (M)
Posts: 6714
Im sorry to hear this gaz, but if you feel its the right dession then it is.(same for her) My parents kinda went through the same thing, and I remember as a kid wishing they would split, the only time they spent together was not a hppy one even tho the smiled for us we seen right through it, ther relation ship now is better than ever and both re-married. As speaking as a stranger its hard to say but i feel yes, its right, even if its just for a shot while whilst you both have time to think by yourselve with no petty quarrels. You in my books can not have a relationship based on the kids, your life is yours as hers is hers, the happier you and she is the happier the kids will be IMO. Also think the kids are too young to know what is going on. However you do have a relationship for life and need to sit and talk about what is best for the kids. There are so many issues that go with a situation like this and again not knowing yourselvs makes it real hard to say as the situation is a blrr to myself only know the ver basic and one side.
Dont honestly know if its good advice, bad or no advice. Best of luck to you all.
Joined: Oct '09
Location: Norway
Age: 47 (M)
Posts: 71
Really sorry about your situation, Gaz. I guess I agree with most of what B1gfoot is saying, except about your children being too young to understand what is going on. I'm sure they can feel that something just isn't right. It's quite simple, though hard to do; if the love really is dead and gone, as you say, then you shouldn't be together. Maybe if you do stay together, your home and your family will be filled with the lack of love between you two, and this will overshadow the love you both have for your children. If that makes any sence at all. Even if your children, in the beginning, wont understand why mom and dad don't live together anymore, (and when they are a bit older, they will probably ask; "Why don't you two live together?", but they will accept your answers), they will feel that when they are with mom alone, she is happier, and when they are with dad alone, he is happier. And then they will be happy. What is most important to them is not the love between mom and dad, but the love you both have for them. If they have that, they will not be "damaged". So, just make sure your children never have to doubt that they are the most important thing in your life, and they will be ok.
Joined: Apr '09
Location: Australia
Age: 40 (M)
Posts: 6483
If it makes you feel any better, there are sooo many other people in your same situation and I think the general consensus is that it's worse for the kids if the parents stay together and fight than if they split and be happy.
I grew up with split parents from a fairly young age and honestly, it really didn't bother me that they split up, I never had any issues with bfs/gfs that was all fine and it was nice being able to holiday away with the parent you're not living with.
I wouldn't stress too much about it, so long as the kids are loved and the parents are happy it's all good. There's far worse situations they could be in and it sounds like you know all about that.
First off all, really sorry for what is going on in your life, can imagine this is a hard time for you. I agree with what most of the people are saying, but one thing shouldn't be overlooked. The children will only benefit from a split, if you split without a fight.
I mean that the best thing to do when the love has died, is indeed to split so the emotional stress the children have been living in, cools down. Only problem is that when the parents start fighting about, alimentation, who gets what of the house, parental rights, ..., the children will suffer even more, because they will end up in the middle.
So I think when you both decide to split, it's SOO important that you just sit down, and calmly talk about these very important things, and that you both make sure that every descission is in the best intrest of the children. Wait for as long as possible with contacting lawyers and everything because, in my experience, they will f**k things up.
I know that I'm talking about worst case scenario's, but as I said before, I'm talking about my own experience, and I think that's the best advice I could give you about this. All the rest is up to you and your girl. Good luck in the future and I sencerely hope everything works out for you.
Joined: Dec '08
Location: United Kingdom
Age: 41 (M)
Posts: 256
thanks for the replys guys! its a tough choice to make but I think splitting is the best desicion we have made, we have sat down on numerous occasions and tried to work it out, a week later we are back in the same place, all routes exshausted its soemtimes better to move on.
my biggest fear was and still is the kids ok yeah i get the whole they are young and wont be affected bit, but obv then i have things playing on my mind see i want her to be happy and if she meets someone thats fine but what about the kids how will they be brought up to precieve this person, will they call him dad? what if they dont like him? i guess its general stuff that people would think anyway but not being in the situation before makes it a whole new ball game to me lol.
I of course will do everything i can for my kids they truelly are my life, i just want the best for them.
as for solictiors i hope to god it never gets to that but if it did i really dont know what i would do lol.
