Joined: Feb '08
Location: United States
Age: 51 (F)
Posts: 581
Chuck Norris doesnt go hunting, only because hunting implies you may not catch any thing. Chuck Norris Kills.
------------ Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Edited by Goldenstud92 (04 February 2008 @ 17:27 GMT)
Joined: Dec '07
Location: Slovakia
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 824
The first one rly get me to the long laught streak ... haha well nice idea to post jokes here and left the forum a bit ^_^ so keep on going paste more !! so we have even more fun
Joined: Jan '08
Location: Canada
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 1354
haha those are pretty good.. and the chuck norris ones are always a classic lol and taht 1st one about hitler and the little girl... haah ouch.. thats harsh
Joined: Jan '08
Location: Canada
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 1354
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.
When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.
The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."
So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.
Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"
The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."
Joined: Dec '07
Location: Slovakia
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 824
haha lol long time i wasnt reading so much jokes since i tho its "kidlike" but this thread made my day smily !!! was laugting e specialy at that first one ... but others are pretty nice too ! keep going i like this one so much !!
Joined: Jan '08
Location: Brazil
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Posts: 1788
A doctor answers…his phone at home on a Friday night. His colleague says, “We need an eighth player for poker.” The doctor replied, “Hold on. I’ll be there ASAP.” As he was grabbing his coat and keys, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “It sure is,” he said. “There are already seven other doctors there!”
Joined: Feb '08
Location: Australia
Age: 39 (M)
Posts: 312
18 Reasons why Fishing is better than Sex...
18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..
17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing,you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.
13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
12 - When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?".
------------ i have also noticed alot of chuck norris jokes here.....
Here's my reply to chuck norris jokes....
Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
Joined: Dec '07
Location: Slovakia
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A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Joined: Jan '08
Location: Canada
Age: 37 (M)
Posts: 1354
There is a small family sitting down at the table for breakfast. A dad, two little boys and a mom. The mom is cooking breakfast for the family.
First the mother ask the first son, "what would you like for breakfast?" Son #1 replies "I’ll have some F&&kin french toast" Mom replies, "what did you just say to me?" Son replies #1 "I’ll have some F&^kin french toast" AFter that the mom begins to smack the son senseless while his dad takes off his belt. After this mom is done smacking him, the dad begins to lay into him with his belt. This carries on for a good 5 minuites, and then the son is sent to his room.
After the two parents compose themselves, the dad sits back down at the table with the other son. Then the mom goes up to the other son and asks him "what you would like for breakfast sweety?"
Son #2 replies "Well, I sure dont want the F*^kin french toast".
Joined: Feb '08
Location: Australia
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Posts: 312
A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
Joined: Feb '08
Location: Australia
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Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question is May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.
Two options exist:
If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. If hell is expanding at a rate faster then the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true... Thus hell is exothermic.
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A in the class.
Joined: Feb '08
Location: Australia
Age: 39 (M)
Posts: 312
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
... haha well nice idea to post jokes here and left the forum a bit ^_^ so keep on going paste more !! so we have even more fun 
