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BLOG: Poker Tips, Bankroll Management and More (PART 42)

Tags: blog, blogger Ronin`s Renegade Blog.
Blog post published on 03 March 2015, written by Ronin`s Renegade Blog.
Ronin`s Renegade Blog avatar
Ronin`s Renegade Blog
Leonard E. Spencer "Ronin Harper" from Canada born in 1968

Welcome mobsters, if you are reading this blog for the very first time, I thank you for your initial interest. I think that if you give it a little time, you will find something that will peak your interest.

I am a semi-pro poker player and an author. I am currently working on several projects for publication, and will be discussing them on occasion in this blog. If you are a fan then I warn you, from time to time there will be spoiler book ideas discussed.

Learn to be honest with yourself. Too often we are forced to put forth an image of ourselves which others will find to be acceptable. We hide our true feelings and desires behind false masks in order to fit into the world around us. There are times when we even forget the truth ourselves. We get so used to projecting the false mask which people around us want and expect to see, that we also fool ourselves into believing it too.

I sometimes wish I could just lose myself and go somewhere far away, someplace where no one knows me and just try and hide from myself. I have been doing that lately I think.

I have been hiding from myself and trying not to think about all the things which I have lost. I have been hiding from the fear and the deep pain I feel inside. I was supposed to start a new bankroll challenge today, but instead I sat down at a table with my entire bankroll and then proceeded to just donk my entire deposit away. I had very little fun doing it, I know I was being stupid and yet something in me did not care.
I must admit that, I wanted to lose today.

Think about that my friends. Have you ever played poker and actually wanted to lose? I have been thinking about this for two hours and trying to analyze and understand why I truly played the way I did today. I have come up with the following personal insight.

I think that, I purposely set out to fail because, inside on some level was afraid to succeed.
I ask you, have you ever sabotaged yourself because you too were afraid to succeed?

It is a very strange thing to realize about myself.
What is it about succeeding that frightens me?
Perhaps the real truth is that I am really trying to hide from myself and sabotaging my efforts because of the questions.

What if I truly try and still fail?
What if I finally finish my book and it does not sell?
What excuse will I have if I truly try my best and fail? Really what will I have I lost?

I am not happy about my life. The truth is I actually hate myself and I am deeply unhappy. I do not feel like I deserve to be successful or happy at all. I am disabled and morbidly obese. In October I was weighed at 626.7 lbs. I started a new exercise routine and changed the way I approached food in general. I wanted to lose some weight and get healthier. On February 5th, 2015 I was weight by my OT and Dietitian, they had to get me weighed in order for the funding for my new motorized wheelchair to get approved. The chair is only rated for a maximum weight of 600 lbs.

On the 5th I weighed in at the incredible weight of 572.2 lbs.

It was literally a 55.5 lbs weight loss. I was shocked and still find it hard to believe. I qualified for the wheelchair funding and it is supposed to be delivered to me on Wednesday march 04, 2015.
I am also waiting on a new hospital style bed which will also be rated for 600 lbs.

I mention these two facts because I realized to that over the last week I have been sabotaging my health and weight loss efforts. I seem to be afraid of succeeding because then people will expect things from me and I am not sure I want that, I might fail once again and then what excuse will I have?
Until next time

Section 2: "Ronin's Bankroll Management Challenge"
The next 60 day bankroll challenge will begin March 1st, 2015.
I have lost my entire bankroll already today if you read section one then you understand why.
I must now decide if I am going to make one last deposit and start over again.
Until later.


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7 comments on "Poker Tips, Bankroll Management and More (PART 42)"

 doubletop77703/03/2015 10:32:17 GMT
Congratulations to you on losing losing all that weight and if you keep going like that you will start to see things in a different light and perhaps get some happiness back in your life. Please keep us updated and good luck to you
 westside195003/03/2015 11:31:21 GMT
I'm really sad to read this, keep your head up mate. I'm sure you'll get past these troubles that are bothering you.
I will be following your blog and hopefully your next text will be about how you managed to battle through this crisis!
Good luck and never stop fighting Blink
 RoninHarper03/03/2015 14:25:17 GMT
I can not help but wonder if I was to open an honest in this blog post.
I wrote it and then immediately sent it out.
I fear people might read it and think I am looking for sympathy.
I am NOT! I am however,
In a very scary place in my head and trying to get my shit together.
Wishing you all the best.
 IceQueenAce03/03/2015 18:01:55 GMT
Hi Ronin

When I was at university we had to keep a daily diary of our work. I used to have this quote stuck on the front of it (and it still makes me cry) but it is so true. This came from the film Coach Carter. If you have never seen it, I suggest you do, its an awesome film...

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
 crash5803/03/2015 22:35:18 GMT
WOW, interesting blog which i will follow, i already knew about your weight issues, and i also know about the problems you have with spouts of depression, the issue you talk here about playing and wanting to lose, is also a sign of depression. I believe you are a smart person, and can work around your dailey problems. i think if you put your mind forward and continue working on your book you will susceed in what you do. good luck ronin, and i look forward in reading this blog
 bowie198404/03/2015 12:00:26 GMT
Well, keep up mate the winter already over now, so the Sun is coming and is coming hard I must have 2 tell ya. I am not saying everything will be better but try managing your problems with 'baby steps' so more step you'll take the better will feel yourself after taking them. And about the poker part - stop using it to blow your steam and it will be okay.
 amscafeaus09/03/2015 08:29:05 GMT
I wish to say gl gl with the health quest. The one thing that will see you reach your goals is something all great poker players must have...Persistence! Don't give up! Don't quit! Don't relax til you get to where you want to be. In life as in poker, Persistence conquers all.

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